Well, that turned out to be wishful thinking and I've felt some degree of nausea every day since. Sometimes it feel debilitating. The worst of it seems to come in the evenings between lunch and dinner, but I can keep it pretty under control if I eat. So I'm eating constantly. This is a little disconcerting given the fact that I'm trying not to gain too much weight, especially in trimester 1. But I guess being fat is better than being sick, so I'm going with it.
Anything healthy which I was on the fence about before being pregnant seems to make my stomach just roll. The smell of broccoli is just awful. The texture of things bother me. Today I threw away a pile of potato chips for no reason other than looking at them made me feel sick. My sandwich at lunch tasted great, but I'd waited too long to eat so I was nauseated all while enjoying the taste. It was a totally strange experience.
In addition, I'm completely exhausted all the time. I've been trying hard to hold myself together at work since things have been kinda crazy, and will only get worse in the coming weeks. I'm very nervous about how my bosses will take the news since I've only been with the company a few months and will deliver when I've been there about 13 months. They are great and would never in any way not support me, but in a way, I feel like I've let them down by doing this selfish thing. Many, if not most, of my co-workers really live for the job, and only one of my co-workers is a parent. So, I feel like maybe they won't understand my choice or will be frustrated at the ways my leave might set back the team. Anyway, I'm trying to accumulate plenty of accolades before I drop my bomb and being tired at work does not help my plan.
My boobs are finally starting to settle down and I'm no longer wearing a sports bra to bed. However, they've grown a good bit and are already all vainy and gross looking. I basically have a map of the Venice canals on my breasts. Fun.
Tomorrow, I'm meeting with the first of 2 midwife groups I'm considering if we got with homebirth. Sadly, the second one has yet to respond to my email, so I guess I'll have to try to set up an appointment by phone. I called my OBGYN's office today because I got a letter from my insurance saying my ultra-sound request was denied. I asked if I still needed to come in and the crabby receptionist started grilling me about whether I intended to keep using their office and why I wouldn't come to my appointments. She calmed down when I explained that no one TOLD ME what the regular appointment schedule was like and so I honestly wasn't sure. Sheesh! Yet another reason I'm not sure this team is right for me. I'm thoroughly bummed out at the thought that I'm going to have to interview both midwives & OBs before I can make final decision.
In a barely related aside, I was talking to my mom today about why I wanted to deliver naturally and how important breastfeeding is. She said something like "well it's hard because a lot of women don't have enough milk as the baby gets older." I explained to her that while that can be true, it's mostly due to human error and not the body being truly unable. I know that she'll support my choices and she'll listen to me when I explain why my thinking runs against the norm, but it frustrates me to no end that the general population is so unaware of the actual benefits and actual challenges of breastfeeding. I told my mom that while I might have trouble breastfeeding (in fact, I'm kinda figuring that at some point, it'll get really HARD) I don't want her to tell me it's ok to quit. I want her to know that this is more important than my comfort and my struggles and for her to tell me to just suck it up and find a way. I don't know if she can do that, but I know she'll try.
Tomorrow a review of the midwives.
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